"Let teh three-day weekend begin!! MUAJAJA!!
Y el que se awite, que se'ncuere."
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You've reached Heaven. We're sorry: God is not in right now. Feel free to leave a message with your name, a brief description of your reason for placing this call, and a number where you can be reached, and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.
If this is an emergency or you need immediate assistance, press 0 now.
(0)
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We're sorry, all our lines are busy right now. Please hang up and try again later. If you would like to stay on the line, please press 7 now.
(7)
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Please hold.
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If you would like to speak to a live representative, please stay on the line.
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We value your call. Please stay on the line.
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We appreciate your business: please don't forget to answer our Customer Satisfaction Questionaire at the end of this call. We want to improve your experience!
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All lines are busy. You are being transfered to our automated service.
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Hello, and welcome to the Afterlife.
If you feel you have been dealt an early death and would like to chew on the asshole who made the mistake and file a complaint, please press 1.
If you feel you have mundane unresolved issues and would like to hear more options regarding this topic, please press 2.
If you would like to hear a list of deceased celebrities currently residing in Heaven, please press 3.
If you would like to hear a list of deceased celebrities currently residing in other parts of the Underworld, please press 4.
(4)
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If you would like to hear a list of celebrities residing in Purgatory, please press 1 now.
If you would like to hear a list of celebrities residing in the various circles of Hell, please press 2 now.
(2!)
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Please press the number according to the circle of Hell you would like to hear:
First Circle: (Includes: Homer, Gandhi, Malcolm X, Ovid, Socrates.) If interested, please press 1 now.
Second Circle: (Includes: Cleopatra, Isolde, Marquis de Sade, Tristan.) If interested, please press 2 now.
Third Circle: (Includes: Chris Farley. Bonus: Guarded by a three-headed dog!) If interested, please press 3 now.
(3!!)
We're sorry, but the Third Circle of Hell is currently booked through summer and fall 2005. Please try registering by October 15 for the winter season. Thank you!
Fourth Circle: (Includes: No big names yet, but Bill Gates and Martha Stewart are scheduled to appear.) If interested, please press 4 now.
Fifth Circle: (Includes: Future bigshots to look forward to include Sean Penn and Dick Cheney, and we're making sure--and hoping!!--that James Hetfield has a breakdown in his therapy.) If interested, please press 5 now.
Sixth Circle: (Includes: Martin Luther, Aleister Crowley. John Ashcroft coming soon.) If interested, please press 5 now.
(..5?)
We're sorry, but the Fifth Circle of Hell is currently unavailable. We're currently undergoing an update to our screening of registration calls due to a series of obscene prank phone calls made to Mr. Luther in Mr. Michael Jackson's behalf. We are looking into this matter.
Seventh Circle: (Includes: Several Popes, Attila the Hun, Alexander the Great, Oscar Wilde; future celebrities include Manson (...the singer too, possibly), Hussein, Bin Laden, both Bushies--in the very near future--and almost every goddamned possible suicide you can fathom: Cobain, Staley, Woolf, Hitler, et-fucking-cetera!) If interested, please press 7 now.
(..7!)
We're sorry: the Seventh Circle of Hell is currently overbooked until July 2008. We are working hard to open a special series of general admision seats by June 2006. Please call back soon to learn more!
Eight Circle: (Includes: Walter Mercado.) If interested, please press 8 now.
(..Wtf..?? 8)
...We apologize. We don't have any good or worthwhile alternatives yet. Didn't have much of a choice. But [what, with the infamous homosexual relationship between them and the tig--
...ahem, between them, the humans, yeah. Ahem, yeah. Just the humans. Right. Ahem.] Sigfried and Roy--and the tigers, too--are booked and confirmed as a future regular show.
Ninth Circle: (Includes: Cain, Judas, Brutus..and...the first, high and mighty former Archangel, Lucifer 'imself, frozen in the center. Please be advised: register at your own discretion. We assume no part in protection of your person in the case of plots of murder, treason, betrayal, and/or eternal damnation of the soul. [The man is moody.]) If interested, please press 9 now.
If you would like to return to the main menu, please press 0 now.
(0)
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If you are unsatisfied with your assigned duties as part of the Heavenly Host, or would like to enroll in an earthbound special assignment as a Rider of the Apocalypse, please press 5.
If none of the previous options apply to you, or if you commited suicide, masturbated, questioned, fucked, gambled, fought, cursed, lied, took a crap, got drunk, or listened to rock music at least once in your lifetime, and you have a strooooong feeling that you don't think you belong in Paradise, please press 6.
(.....
..6)
We are transfering your call to Sheol. Please hold.
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If you believe you did abso-fucking-lutely nothing during your life that would result in eternal damnation, please press 1.
If you think you have the means to buy yourself out of this 'eternal damnation' deal, please press 2.
If you're pretty fucking pissed at the way we so analy arrange our calling system options, please press 3.
If you were extremely and unexpectedly turned on upon hearing the words 'fucking' and 'analy' in the last sentence, even though they were used in a completely different context, please press 4.
If you are experiencing an intolerable and killer case of the munchies while making this call, please press 5.
If you are annoyed at you having none of the problems listed before, but would reeeeeally like to have some of 'em, ALL of them, please press 6.
If you believe that you are absolutely perfect in every and any way, shape and form, beyond God's bullshit and would like to go about your own fucking way to see results right-fucking-now, please press 9.
(9999999999999999999999999999999999999---!!!)
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We're sorry: we cannot complete your transaction at the moment. Please try again later. Goodbye!
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¿..Sugerencias?
Quesque el Cielo 'stá lleno..y a mí no me gusta hacer fila >:(.
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